Why?

This is going to be a super random post, no food, no crafting, just me going on and on about life. So if you are wanting something other than that, you can just go ahead and skip reading this altogether.

I have a very hard time shutting down my brain. Honestly, I think too much. I’m constantly trying to learn something even if it is of no importance whatsoever. So not being in school is kind if driving me nuts, not like I wasn’t nuts before. I’m honestly thinking about studying for fun. Yes you read that correctly. I feel like the longer I’m out of school and unemployed the dumber I am becoming. I am constantly forgetting things lately and I have a great memory, but I will go into the other room to ask my mom and question, seriously like 15 steps and forget what the hell I wanted to talk to her about. I’m going crazy, I’m getting old, is this dementia? If you don’t use it you lose it comes to mind (I can remember that) and I’m scared. Which brings me to another point…
I have been out of high school for 10 years in May. What the hell have I done in10 years?!? Gone to a lot of school, wasted a lot of $$$ getting an education and feel no where closer to where I want to be. I know where I want to be finally, but am hating this whole experience necessary bullshit. I mean I understand the reasoning, but I hate it. I might find it more appealing if I could actually gain some damn experience.
Anyways, returning to my previous high school statement, I’d like to think that this 10 years has been a positive experience, I’ve changed quite a bit into a person I think I like. I hated high school, I’d like to say every minute of it was terrible, but I don’t think anyone can see every minute of anything you endured for 4 miserable years was so bad that every minute sucked. I think the majority of people despised high school for various reasons but mine would have to be that I was bullied without even realizing it was a bullying type thing. If I was the person I am today I would have punched that asshole in the face (yes my bully was a guy) probably kicked him in the balls, ran over him, whatever else comes to mind. Another thing, I hold grudges, one thing that happy people supposedly aren’t supposed to do. I would like to think high school might have been tolerable if I would have realized what was going on, but we’ll never know. Life would for sure be a lot different and maybe I could be a happy person, maybe. What doesn’t kill us makes us stronger, right? But can we truly judge someone on who they were in high school? Or even more so on who we thought they were? High school is full of SO MUCH drama and gossip and bullshit. If you are still judging me on something you believed to be true that you heard 10+ years ago you might need a reality check. And why does no one tell you the drama doesn’t stop? You are all excited to finally get out of high school and move on with life and leave the drama behind, but no, some people live and feed off making others miserable. The drama lives on, sure it might be different and the setting is different, but it’s still there. People suck.

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Maybe with my non-school self I’ll start writing a book, too bad my memory is failing, or maybe I’m purposely blocking some of the bullshit out. It’s probably better that way.

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About meganstewardrn

I'm Megan, a newly registered nurse trying to find my place in the world.

One response to “Why?

  1. Linda

    Your mind is fine…just dormant at the moment. It will come back to you in an instant when you finally find the nursing job you are seeking. Funny thing about bullying, almost all of us have had one in our lives.
    Bet most of them aren’t such big shots any longer. You are and always will be loved.

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